I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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