Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
