I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
