Texts From Last Night

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  (716): View more from New York

  The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"

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  (716): The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!" http://tfl.nu/wz9q
  Replies (14) Good night (2243) Bad night (724)
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.

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  (910): so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch. http://tfl.nu/syjm
  Replies (57) Good night (17124) Bad night (1199)
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole

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  (901): I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole http://tfl.nu/4rln
  Replies (12) Good night (5552) Bad night (1247)
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me

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  (978): I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me http://tfl.nu/0njw
  Replies (8) Good night (1040) Bad night (4330)
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.

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  (405): Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine. http://tfl.nu/l1h6
  Replies (25) Good night (6738) Bad night (1713)
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.

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  (248): Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch. http://tfl.nu/snc7
  Replies (10) Good night (4734) Bad night (1190)
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  (260): View more from Indiana

  One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.

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  (260): One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not. http://tfl.nu/b9k9
  Replies (6) Good night (685) Bad night (870)
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?

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  (256): i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime? http://tfl.nu/inlq
  Replies (12) Good night (2206) Bad night (693)
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.

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  (+61): Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me. http://tfl.nu/7l1e
  Replies (2) Good night (727) Bad night (335)
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  Are we in any of the areas with tornados?

  (931): View more from Tennessee

  Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.

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  (520): Are we in any of the areas with tornados? (931): Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes. http://tfl.nu/dq1c
  Replies (2) Good night (896) Bad night (317)
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.

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  (860): I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love. http://tfl.nu/zgl1
  Replies (3) Good night (567) Bad night (393)
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  (909): View more from California

  While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."

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  (909): While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run." http://tfl.nu/99ml
  Replies (1) Good night (846) Bad night (334)
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  (712): View more from Iowa

  I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.

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  (712): I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple. http://tfl.nu/5d4d
  Replies (1) Good night (817) Bad night (505)
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  (386): View more from Florida

  Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.

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  (386): Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost. http://tfl.nu/901r
  Replies (2) Good night (537) Bad night (226)
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much

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  (413): So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much http://tfl.nu/o5r3
  Replies (1) Good night (560) Bad night (189)

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