if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU