im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
