what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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