well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
