Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Randomize
