I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
