also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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