Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Randomize
