What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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