Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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