did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
