Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
