is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
