I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
