New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
