looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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