We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
