there's paper in my vomit.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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