I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Just puked most of my soul out..
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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