I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
