Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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