I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
