I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
even my farts smell like vagina
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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