well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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