i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
