dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
