So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
