3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
