What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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