I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
