i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
