My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
