I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
