If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
