Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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