I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
