Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
