neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
