i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
