I faked an abortion last night.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize