Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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