I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
