Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
