It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
