Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
