I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
