Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
