So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
