I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Do vagina's smell?
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
