I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
