Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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