WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
