hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
