don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
