If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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