are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
