Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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